SATIRE From QMENTIRAS – the story is not real, all details are fabricated, and is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
JACÓ BEACH – A local expat chamber submitted a proposal this week to the Garabito municipality to put Colombian prostitutes in horse costumes to compensate for the community’s horse shortage before the annual Tope, which is set for tomorrow.
The Jacó tope, or rodeo, is in danger of featuring only two horses this year as all real cowboys have moved out of town or started working as tour operators at Los Suenos Resort, municipal official Ana Fegundez said. The shortage could signal the end to the town’s treasured pastime, she said.
“I can’t imagine the disappointment of children lined up to see these magnificent creatures and discover that we were only able to scrape one or two horses together,” Fegundez said. “We fear this is a sign of the times and the Jacó of the past is slipping through our fingers.”
Local expat chamber, known as Los Gringos Viejos, has presented what they feel to be an innovative solution to rectify the problem: Whore-filled horses.
“We may be short on horses, but we are full up on whores,” local expat retiree Steve McGall said. ”It’s time we get this often misunderstood segment of our workforce front and center, and show that prostitutes can be a family-friendly part of the community.”
While opposition runs rampant within the organizational body responsible for this year’s Tope, options are limited and the clock is winding down. With the Tope set to be held tomorrow, an action plan in the local business community, with the reluctant assistance of the Chamber of Commerce, has commenced.
“We have local workers fervently sewing horse costumes to stuff with hookers,” commented a retired gringo who confessed to being in hiding from U.S. legal pursuits, as he sipped a chile guarro at the Cocal Casino. “We are surprised how fitting a voluptuous Combianas butt naturally represents a horse’s rear. It’s the head that’s giving them the most trouble.”
The loosely-organized Los Gringos Viejos, which is largely comprised of fat, old, white sex tourists, has also proposed luring the costumed street walkers down the parade route with a bag of cocaine dangling from a stick, just out of reach of the head.
“This carrot outta get ‘em movin’!”, McGall said as he shooed away a Dominican woman offering him company.
Though no official statement is being released at this time from the Tope organizers, it would appear the plan is moving forward. What is yet to be seen is whether Tico observers, whom will likely be drunk on copious amounts of Imperial, will notice the difference.
“Should be a show,” McGall said. “We are going to have a stand on the main drag and offer free drinks to attendees that spot the real horses versus the fake ones.”